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What to do if You’re Pissed Off With Your Life

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Pissed off
Life is fucking annoying sometimes.

You want it to go one way, but it seems resolute in being something else entirely.

If only life would do what you bloody well told it to do you wouldn’t have to be quite so pissed off with it, right?

So if you’re royally pissed off and about to show life the business end of a hissy fit, here are 3 things you can do.

Stop being a whiny little bitch

Whining doesn’t help. If it did, the world would be full of smiley, happy people (who would all still find something to whine about).

Bitching, moaning and whining is very much like rolling around in shit, in that the only thing it really achieves is making you all shitty.

It’s nice to vent, sure it is, but sooner or later you gotta stop trouncing around like a fucking toddler birthday princess throwing a shit fit and decide who the hell you want to be.

Not only is whining a huge waste of focus, energy and attention, but it also swaddles you in a warm blanket of “I’m right and everyone else is missing the point” and reinforces just how pissed off you are.

So, the next time you find yourself wanting to whine like a little bitch, notice it.

Notice where your attention is going. Notice what you’re about to tell yourself. Notice who you’re going to blame. Notice who the hell you’re turning into. Then move to step 2.

Love the hell you’re in

You can’t meaningfully move on unless you first of all accept where you are.

Not only is that Day 1 of Pilot School, it’s also a pre-requisite for having an experience of life that isn’t full of piss and vinegar.




I’ve written the word “acceptance” 3 times, because it can be a difficult concept to accept the first couple of times.

It’s only by accepting that where you are is where you are that you get to shift your energy behind the fact that your next choices are yours to make, rather than blaming the world for not being where you want to be.

And let’s face it, being pissed off either happens because you’re hurting about how things have turned out or angry because it doesn’t seem fair.

You’re pissed off because you really do care, and accepting that is critical.

No matter how shitty your circumstances are or just how pissed off with life you are, accept it fully, embrace it wholly and welcome it in like you would an old friend. Then, move onto step 3.

Do something

Just fucking do something.

Change something up. Run an experiment. Get a change of scene. Deal with something you’ve been putting up with. Make a new friend. Start a new project. Pick up a pen. Run a different mile. Find a new lover. Paint a new picture.

Look at what matters to you, then just fucking do something.

Do People Think You’re Arrogant?

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Rosie's Arrogance
I’m a confidence coach.

99.9% of what I do is help people who feel held back by a lack of confidence to build natural confidence that works for them (rather than turning them into something they’re not).

But sometimes I hear from people with the opposite problem, and sometimes people ask me what they can do if people mistake their confidence for arrogance.

It’s an interesting question. What do you do when people think you’re arrogant? How do you deal with the people who get turned off by your abundant confidence?

Well, there are a couple of ways this can go.

1. You really aren’t arrogant.

I think I’m the most unthreatening guy you could meet. Sometimes I’m shy. Sometimes I’m quiet. But despite that, sometimes people say they’re a little intimidated by me, which is a bit like Donald Trump asking Mr Fluffington the playful kitten to stop being such an angry jack-ass, or like the Earth letting Pluto know that it doesn’t appreciate it getting all up in its personal space all the time.

Point being, if you’re not arrogant but other people think you are, that’s not your problem.

You can’t control what other people think of you (otherwise I’d be totally dashing and a fricking genius instead of mildly dorky), so at the end of the day you have to let go of their judgements of you.

But I get that it might not sit well with you that people think that of you, so there are a couple of things to look at or consider.

How big is the gap? Arthur C. Clarke said that “Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic”, and a similar thing can happen with confidence when the gap between the confident and the not-confident is large enough. To someone with little or no confidence, someone with abundant confidence may appear too confident.

Being considerate doesn’t hurt. Sometimes it’s appropriate to dial things down a little, and adapting your style to the situation you’re in or the individual you’re with is entirely appropriate when it serves you both well.

Your job is not to make everyone like you. With the above 2 points accepted, always remember that some people just won’t gel with you, get you or even like you. That’s okay too, so get ready to let go of the need to seek approval or validation if that’s an appropriate response. Oh, and be aware that this can be done from a warm-hearted, generous place (i.e. confident) rather than a “Fuck you and the horse you rode in on” place (i.e. arrogant).

2. You really are arrogant

The other option, of course, is that you really are arrogant and the other person is calling you on it.

How do you know if you really are arrogant? Here are 5 big clues:

  • You go out of your way to be right, and to let people know you’re right.
  • The most important person in any conversation is probably you.
  • As far as you’re concerned, you have it figured out and other people just slow you down.
  • Getting your own way is how you know you’re on the right path.
  • It matters that the world sees you as successful or as one of the good ones.

If you put the clues together and figure out that you really are arrogant, then here’s what you need to do.

Just stop it. Please just let go of the pretence that you’re right, or that you’re better or that you have the answers. You may be right sometimes, but nobody is right all of the time. You may be better at some things than others, but there are also others who are better then you. Better doesn’t matter. And while you may have some good answers, pretending that you have them all or that your answers are right for everyone is just a fiction.

Practice uncertainty. Arrogance is often about making sure you’re okay in a world filled with uncertainty, so practice leaning into uncertainty without your usual comfort blankets. Take off the armour and allow yourself to be scared.

Soften into connections. Arrogance is isolating through its dependence on self-righteousness and validation, and the antidote to that is to soften into relationships rather than harden against them.

So that’s covered how to approach things if you’re not arrogant and if you are.

There’s a third option of course. There always is.

That you’re sometimes arrogant. Maybe at work with a particular group or individual. Maybe with an old friend. Maybe with someone in your family. Maybe when you’re tired or stressed out.

Arrogance might catch you unaware and hijack your best intentions, giving you a little rush of power or control that feeds off others.

Notice that. Interrupt that. Let go of that.

Because life’s too short for arrogance.

How to Survive as The Underdog

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I’m something of an underdog.

I’m not a big name coach. I’m not rich. I don’t have a team of people to bounce ideas off or help stuff happen. I don’t have the marketing clout of other guys. I haven’t “made it”.

I’ve figured out a thing or two about being an underdog though, and how to make it feel not quite so underdoggy.

Don’t let the distance define you

Being an underdog means that there are people more adept or more accomplished out there. It means you’re the long shot.

When you let the distance between you and “them” define you, you internalise it as a statement of personal value. They’re more deserving of success. They’re better than me. I’m not good enough.

But that distance isn’t about worth or who deserves what. It’s simply a thing that happens on a planet that houses over 7 billion people.

In fact, the distance is simply a matter of marking where people are at on a scale that doesn’t even make any sense. It’s all subjective, and making comparisons makes about as much sense as saying that an egg does a much better job of being eggy than an orange, or that a squirrel is rubbish because it can’t out-run a gazelle.

So don’t let distance define you. You’re better than that.

Keep finding a reason

An underdog tries because they care. They give a damn.

Regardless of the odds or how shit-your-pants scary things might be, they still want to try.

But when struggling starts to weigh more than the reason you try, you get disillusioned, demotivated and frustrated. And then you stop or get stuck. And that’s just no fun.

To keep going, even if “keeping going” means that you have to pivot, change course or make a new decision, you have to keep finding a reason to care.

You need a compelling reason to give a damn about what happens in your life, because without that you may as well give up now.

That reason could be that you can’t imagine life without the stuff that matters. It might be that you need to add value. Or it might be that you want to have a whole heap of fun.

Whatever it is, keep finding a reason to try.

Let go

Struggle happens when there’s tension between where you are and where you think you ought to be.

It’s a tension you keep close because, dammit, you want to get there already. You want more. You want the success. You want it all.

Some say that this tension creates motivation, but that’s the kind of motivation that soon runs out of steam and turns into a struggle that’s all too familiar.

The alternative is to let go of the other end of that tension and ease into the moment you find yourself in right now.

Choose to be at your best right now, not when you get to where you’re going. Let yourself ease into your next choice or action rather than needing it to be a certain way. And ask yourself how you can smile now rather than dreaming of how great things will be when you “get there”.

Struggle is overcome by letting go of the tension that creates it.

Feel like the underdog? What is it that keeps you going?

The Confidence Pivot

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The Confidence Pivot
The point of the past is to deliver the right now.

The right now wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for everything that’s gone before.

And right now is here to pivot into the next moment.

Without that pivot, you’re stuck forever.

Confidence is being able to apply choice,
right in the the centre of that pivot point

Here’s how that works.

  1. Notice the pivot. If you don’t see that there’s a pivot—a moment when where you are turns into where you’ll be—you’ll just be swept along. So rest, just for a moment, in that space between right now and what’s next. Don’t try to have it be a certain way, don’t push away any fear you’re feeling, and don’t judge it for being shitty if it’s shitty.
  2. Choose a vector. A vector has both direction and magnitude; it’s an intention as well as a velocity. You choose one by looking at what matters to you and choosing a direction that aligns. This intent to take a step that’s congruent with what matters does not place value on the size of that step, nor does it require a predictable outcome. The choice, the alignment, the congruence are the thing.

Pivots have moving parts, so a couple of thoughts on the mechanism itself.

  • Please don’t be sombre, rigid or pious about applying confidence at the pivot point. That’s no fun at all, and nobody likes the guy with the stick up his ass.
  • A pivot that’s been forced to go in a direction that was never intended will get worn down and eventually break. Pivots operate best when they move freely and naturally.
  • Parts can get replaced. If you no longer like the way things work or if the grooves lain down are getting a little old, you can always replace a part or build a whole new fucking machine.

The confidence you apply at the centre of the pivot—that place between now and next—can simply help that transition along, it can take you in a new direction or it can be about improving the way it gets applied next time.

Different pivot points; different choices; different ways to apply confidence.


How to Stay Confident When the Odds Are Shit-Your-Pants Scary

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There are many things in life that are shit-your-pants scary.

Quitting your job because you want to do something that actually amounts to something.

Committing to a new relationship even though you might just get your heart broken again.

Or admitting to yourself something you’ve dodged for years because it’s always been easier to avoid it rather than face it.

These things, and many more, are simple not to do. But tickle me unconscious and call me Susan if life doesn’t really come into focus when you’re willing to risk it all and take that step anyway, just because it’s who you are.

So, here’s how to stay confident even when the odds are shit-your-pants scary.

Smash a hole

Moving from existing patterns of thought straight to behaviour is how you keep doing what you’ve always done.

To do something new, or to consciously make the choice to do something shit-your-pants scary, you have to smash a hole between where you are and your next thought.

That hole can be as big as you damn well want, but all you need is a sliver of light to see by. Just something big enough to create a pocket of air between you and your default behaviour.

And in that space, you get to pause for a moment,
and maybe make a different kind of choice

Creating this space is a deliberate act.

Try it, now.

Sit back. Take a breath. Realize that you’re here, right now. Alive. Whole. Human. Your next move might be to stand up. Maybe you’ll go and do the dishes. Maybe you have a meeting to run to. Or maybe you’re about to hit the sack. Just be aware of that space between where you are in this very moment and your next choice. That’s a space where you can make any decision you damn well want to.

That’s where your power is.

Forget the climb and fuck the fall

Shit’s scary because of what might happen.

You might look dumb in front of everyone. Your parachute might not open. You might end up losing your shirt.

You make it all about what might happen, either the shit that could go wrong or how just how fucking hard it will be.

These thoughts create a tension between you and your future, stretching between your current circumstances and your thoughts about what might happen, and it’s a tension that urges you toward safety.

But when you deliberately choose to disregard a specific outcome and choose instead to engage in a process, something interesting happens.

That tension and the urge toward safety lose their power, because rather than obsessing over details of a wildly unpredictable and scary-assed future you simply trust yourself to complete one more step.

Then one more.

And then another one.

The process is what takes you places

Trust the process, not the outcome.

Find a thunder buddy

In the movie Ted, as Mark Wahlberg and Ted grew up together they were shit-scared of thunder storms. So they became “thunder buddies”; best pals who found a way to support each other when the sky was cracking open.

They since went on to refuse to grow up and do a whole heap of drugs, but let’s not dwell on that part so that I can make my point.

You don’t have to do this life thing alone, especially when you’re about to do something that’s shit-your-pants scary

Find yourself a thunder-buddy, someone who you can confess your fear to and someone who might share it. Maybe even someone who’ll join you as you take that first step. Maybe someone who you can support as they take their first step.

No man’s an island, unless of course you dig and flood a series of trenches, put up walls and fences and stay locked away in your “special place”. But that’s no fun. And it sure as hell won’t achieve or anything or give you any stories to tell.

Thunder buddies forever.

What I Want


The back of a daisy
There’s a lot that I want. A new TV. A beautiful 1940’s chair. All the sex. Someone to fix my left shoulder.

But none of that really matters a whole lot.

None of that is who I am. And none of it represents what matters to me.

The things you say you want should focus you. What you do. How you think. Your next step.

If they don’t focus you, or if you focus you on things you don’t want, now’s a good time to ask yourself what you really want.

I’ve spent a little time thinking about that myself. Here’s a little of what I came up with.

I want to build something beautiful.

I want to laugh with life, not in spite of it.

I want to marvel at the underdog who tries for something that means the world.

I want to grow as a writer.

I want to look into someone’s eyes and get excited about the world I see in them

I want to just hold someone who’s in pain and not try to fix it.

I want someone to hold me in my pain.

I want to hear the discouraged.

I want to cheer the hopeful.

I want to make someone laugh when they think they’ve forgotten how.

I want to lay in a field and kiss someone.

I want to never not care.

I want to matter.

I want to help others see that they matter.

What is it you want?

Tell me in the comments.

The Undefeatable Underdog


Swear To God
I get goose-pimples when I see someone look up with wide eyes and try for something better.

The hairs on the back of my neck stand up when I look at the odds, and see someone square up to them in all their shoe-shaking wonder.

And I get a little emotional when I see an underdog pushing for something that means the world.

I love it because it shouldn’t work. There are better players in the game and the game itself is crazy hard. But the underdog’s daring ability to dream something bigger than themselves and their decision to step into the ring regardless of the odds, is the stuff of legend.

Sometimes, of course, it doesn’t work.

But even though they feel hurt by what’s happened, the underdog will smile sweetly, muster themselves and take a hesitant next step.

It’s fucking beautiful

I’m constantly drawn to those who try and miss, rather than those who bounce from win to win to win. The beta folk, rather than the alpha. The graceful, rather than the forceful. The striver, rather than the hustler.

For me, the underdog is always the true hero.

If you can relate, I’ll want to hear your story.

Because I think you’re pretty damn awesome.

50 Best Confidence Building Tips of All-Time

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No lengthy pre-amble needed on this one.

Just know that these are 50 of the best damn confidence building tips in existence. Plus they’re in bite-sized morsels for easy digestion.

So now you have no excuse. Bookmark this one, and let me know which tips jump out at you.

  1. Reassure that voice inside you, the one that tells you to stay exactly where you are because you can’t have, won’t get or aren’t good enough to get what you want. That’s the scared, small part of you, but you don’t have to do what it tells you (i.e. nothing). Instead, respond by saying “Thanks for looking out for me, but you know what, I’m pretty good at this life thing and I’m going to be just fine.”
  2. Take a breath. You’ve come so far. You’ve done a heap. Gone through a lot. You’ve got so much more to do. So many more ways to grow. Feel that you’re here, right now, in the perfect spot to make your next choice. You don’t need anything else. Just this. Just right now. You got this.
  3. Confidence vanishes when you’re running on empty, and your responsibility is to keep yourself topped up and humming along by prioritising the nourishment of your head, heart and body. That’s just taking care of the basics, and doing one thing every day that truly nourishes you (yes, even when things are crazy busy) isn’t just a case of keeping yourself together, but is the practice of love and self-worth that fuels confidence.
  4. Try this simple exercise every day for the next 7 days and see what happens. Notice when you have an expectation about somebody else, whether it’s something you’re expecting them to do, something you expect them to think or even something you expect them to expect of you. Just gently notice it, and see that your expectation is just a thought in your head. Leave it be. Don’t let it determine what you think or do next. Then, with that expectation off to one side, over in the wings so to speak, what can you do now to help, enhance or delight the person you just had the expectation about or the situation you’re?
  5. Falling into roles based on who you’re with is just a learned behaviour that allows you to fly under the radar and fit in. Daughter, brother, employee, joker, lover, victim, manager, successful, underdog and a gazillion more. It’s freeing to strip away the different labels and roles–particularly the ones that don’t work for you–and just be you instead.
  6. Obsessing about making the “right” choice will have you second-guessing every move to try to figure out what that right choice might be. Sometimes, all you gotta do is make “a” choice and know that you can deal with whatever happens.
  7. The next time you start bitching, moaning and whining to someone – or even just in your head – take a breath and notice what’s about to happen. It’s tempting to dive right into a bitchfest, but interrupt yourself for a moment, and instead, look for a way to praise, empathise with or appreciate the situation. What’s a way you can find a thread of value in things, just as they are? What’s a way you can find a way to express thanks, however things are? Have that thread of value take centre stage. Have that be your experience.
  8. Don’t judge the shitty times for being shitty, and don’t think that they make you less than you are. Life always has its ups and downs, and confidence is sometimes simply a matter of being with what’s happening simply, honestly and bravely, and choosing to move with it. And that’s the interesting thing; simply embracing the the times when life sucks can be a comfort and a source of confidence.
  9. Use the things that are woven through you – the golden threads and things that matter most to you – to help you make confident, meaningful decisions that you can trust and get behind fully. With a firm foundation like that it doesn’t matter how things turn out, it just matters that you trust the decision you made.
  10. Change your physiology. Stand up. Breathe deep. Be tall. Standing tall and strong has been shown to make you feel more assertive, which can give you a confidence boost in the short term. Word of caution though, don’t mistake this temporary boost of confidence as anything other than a quick fix.
  11. Stop blaming the world for where you are or for what’s gone wrong in your life. That just strips you of any responsibility or power. Own it. Warts an’ all. Good or ill. You are where you are and the confident thing to do is to accept it, change it, learn from it or lean into it.
  12. Don’t mistake confidence for arrogance. They’re a whole world apart, and still people get them mixed up. Arrogance is noisy and needs other feeds from other people. Confidence is quiet and needs nothing other than trust.
  13. Stop beating yourself up for not being beautiful enough. In the well-known Dove video,  women were sketched by FBI-trained forensic artist Gil Zamora, one based on her own description and the other using a stranger’s observations. The results? See for yourself, and the next time you feel insecure in your appearance recognise that your perception is skewed and over-critical. You’re more beautiful than you think.
  14. Don’t ever think that having doubts means you’re not confident. Doubts are natural, because you can’t know what’s going to happen ahead of time and your brain just fills in those blanks with stories. Sometimes doubts can help you prepare by thinking through different scenarios. Other times your doubts are simply something you need to acknowledge and move with as you step forwards.
  15. Acknowledge your power to say Yes and No. You get to have a say in what you do and what you don’t do, and you have the right to express that. Not everyone has to like it, but you have to embrace it. Oh, this also includes being confident enough to change your mind rather than sticking stubbornly to your guns.
  16. You’re not alone. It doesn’t matter how far away the concept of “confidence” feels to you, how low you are or how powerless you feel, I guarantee that you’re not the first or last to feel that way. Life is a series of experiences, and wherever you happen to find yourself you can be confident that you’re connected more than you think you are. Trust your connections, whether to a family member, a friend, a pet or even with the knowledge that someone else out there is feeling what you’re feeling.
  17. Confidence doesn’t exist in a vacuum. Just like a muscle you have to apply it in the moments where it’s needed—that point where you can go one way or the other—or it will wither away like a puddle in the noonday sun. Use it, exercise it, stretch it; that’s how you keep a healthy, natural confidence.
  18. Stop making goals that leave you wanting. Setting the wrong goals will leave your confidence in tatters, making you feel like you’re not good enough or like you’re lacking something that everyone else has. For goals to work, make them from the inside-out, based on what matters to you and the kind of experience you want to have, rather than what you think you ought to do or want.
  19. The people who make you feel free are the people you need to spend time with. Surround yourself with people who poop on your party or tell you that you’re not good enough is never going to help your sense of confidence, so look for the people where you catch yourself saying “I like myself when I’m with you”.
  20. Instead of fretting, worrying and panicking about an upcoming event (a big presentation, a social event or a difficult conversation), realise that the real reason you’re worrying is because you care about what happens. You give a shit, and that’s a good thing. Caring doesn’t make you more likely to fail, so simply look for a different way to care that puts you at your best rather than your worst.
  21. Run experiments instead of committing forever. It’s easy to back away from making a decision when you invest your whole future in it. Instead, change one or two things and run an experiment to see what happens, Then, make a choice that’s appropriate to what you’ve learned.Knocking
  22. Imagine that a future version of you, a version who embodies a simple, graceful, natural and flowing confidence, is knocking on your front door. They have nothing to prove, they don’t have to fake anything and there’s a sense that they know they’re whole and enough, just as they are, without any smugness or self-satisfaction. In short, they have their shit together. This future version of you has come over because they have something important to say to you, something they’ve come all this way to tell you. What is it they want you to know?
  23. Don’t conflate getting something wrong or failing with being wrong or a being a failure. Things go wrong, and they’ll continue to go wrong. Don’t make it about your value or worth.
  24. When times are hard it’s easy to feel isolated or like you’re the victim. It’s the kind of thinking that’s nasty like an angry bear holding a shark and will tear your confidence to shreds, so always look for how you can give yourself support. What would make you feel supported? What would support look like now? Support is a mechanism you can employ to give your confidence roots.
  25. Give yourself some credit. Giving yourself credit doesn’t involve inflated ego’s or standing in the street yelling about what you’ve done to get recognition for it. It’s the honest acknowledgement of your own capability, and the quiet sense that you really do get to put your dent in the universe rather than leaving it to blind luck. It’s confidence.
  26. Some people wait patiently in line all their lives, but please know that you don’t have to hide yourself from the world. You’re not broken or fatally flawed. You’re not unworthy of love or belonging. You don’t have to hold back your gifts from those who need them. Letting people see you as you really are is nothing more than softening into the world as you already are. It takes courage at first, but what’s in your head and heart is nothing to be ashamed about.
  27. Move. Exercise. Use your body. These days we spend so long in our heads that we forget how our body feels or what it needs, and that starts to separate you from your experience. Exercising gets you right back into your body and releases serotonin and endorphins that give you that amazing physiological buzz.
  28. Accepting a compliment doesn’t make you a narcissistic asshole. You might want to brush it off because you feel like you don’t deserve it, but what if—what if—that compliment was offered because it’s true? A compliment that’s genuinely offered is an act of kindness, so entertain the fact that others might see you in ways that you don’t see yourself and learn to accept compliments.
  29. Let go of the need to fit in—that need to present yourself in a way that fits in with what others might expect. You can’t keep a puppy in a small box under your bed and expect the little guy to flourish, but the drive to fit in is similar in how suffocating it becomes. Fitting in isn’t a measure of success or popularity. Just like that puppy, the confidence to be yourself is really just a matter of playing as you already are.
  30. You might look at others and wonder how they got to be more successful than you, and the wiring to compare yourself with others goes pretty deep in your brain. So start noticing when you’re making these comparisons, and realise that everyone else is doing the same. Comparing how you feel on the inside to how you perceive other people to be is nothing more than fiction.Every picture tells a story (don't it)
  31. Every day you weave a story about your life, a story that puts you at the centre of all the stuff that’s happening. Sometimes, this story casts you as being small, weak or powerless; plot points that ignore everything you’ve got to offer and strips your confidence to the bone. Be aware of how the narrative in your head affects your experience, and let go of any story that disables rather than enables.
  32. There’s comfort in having answers, and it’s easy to become driven by finding the answers before you move forward. This is simply a way to avoid the discomfort you feel around uncertainty, so watch for the times when you’re plan-making rather than taking action and realise that you don’t need to have all the answers.
  33. Get stuck in dead-end conversations or find your confidence vanish when conversations dry up? Get some conversation starters and continuers here.
  34. Trust the process. Whether you’re starting a new job, facing a big challenge, making a new start or tackling a new project, trust yourself to take one step. That’s all. Then, when you’ve taken that step, trust yourself to take the next. You don’t need to know how to do something to completion or what’s going to happen. Trust that you can go from 0% to 100% one step at a time.
  35. Confidence isn’t always about strength. Sometimes it’s about holding on, standing up and sticking to your guns, sure, but other times real confidence requires a source other than strength. Confidence based on love is softening into acceptance, letting go of the need to be certain and knowing you belong in the world just as you are. This kind of confidence is a whole other world.
  36. Fuck perfect. Up there with using your own feet to flavour a home-made soup or watching 24-hour rolling news, chasing perfection is a spectacular way to ruin your life. Perfection is about doing everything you can to fit in and appease everyone else. It makes you feel like you’ll never be good enough. It’s the oppressor who never lets you be yourself. You’re already good enough; you don’t need perfect in your life.
  37. Let go of the need to be right; that will just get in the way of your natural confidence. Right is for chumps.
  38. Stop beating yourself up for being flawed. Everyone’s flawed, no matter how hard people try to not appear to be. Welcome your flaws and imperfections warmly and sincerely, because the alternative is judgement, conflict and feeling very much like shit. Invite your flaws into your home and be the best damn host you can be. These are your friends. These are your family. These are you.
  39. Confidence means giving a shit about the things that matter to you. So even when you find yourself somewhere unexpected or unwanted you don’t conflate where you are with your self-worth and you still get to honour what matters. Confidence means giving a shit about your heart and soul, regardless of your circumstances.
  40. Extroversion and confidence are a powerful combination, but don’t think for a second that introversion and confidence are mutually exclusive or any less powerful. Confidence doesn’t mind if you’re an introvert or extrovert, it simply makes it okay to lean into the things that make you feel whole.thumbs up
  41. If there’s something out there you really want to do, but haven’t allowed yourself to start; if there’s a way you want to feel about something or about yourself, but don’t feel like it’s within your grasp, or, if there’s something you want to believe about yourself but don’t think you’re good enough, take a look at what it would mean if this this thing—this action, outcome, endeavour, feeling or belief—came to pass. Paint a picture of what would be different if this thing became real, then grab a pen and a piece of paper and complete this sentence:

    I give myself permission to…, so that I can…

  42. Don’t let your weaknesses make you think that you’re less than – everyone has weaknesses. I can’t catch a ball; I have a chronic illness; I still find it hard to open up. Your weaknesses don’t take away from who you are, they simply give you the opportunity to apply your strengths.
  43. Confidence comes, in part, from getting involved in your life. So today, set an intention that honours, expresses or demonstrates that by picking one of the sentences below and completing it in a way that brings out your very best.

    Today, I intend to…
    Today, I’m honouring…
    Today, I show up as…

  44. Something nagging at you or draining you? Letting those thing slide makes you more and more powerless and strips away more and more of your confidence. But exerting a little effort to reduce, eliminate or manage your “tolerations” is how you get to create an environment that adds to your sense of self rather than taking away from it. A leaky tap. A cheap and uncomfortable office chair. A partner who puts you down. A cupboard full of cakes and salty snacks. A friend who sabotages. Untouched paperwork. Nagging back pain. A noisy neighbour. An unsupportive boss. No creative outlet. Do something about your tolerations.
  45. Get to know what it’s like to be at your best – when you’re buzzing, flowing, joyful and alive – and know that those things are right there in your bones. Roll around in that feeling, and when faced with a challenge take your next step from that place.
  46. We all have the fear of getting laughed out of the room for something we’ve said or done, but what if today was zero risk day? So for today, what would you do differently if there was zero risk of being laughed out of the room? Don’t just think about it, do it (even though it’ll be sorely tempting not to).
  47. What do you do in your life where you don’t even think about whether you’re capable enough, good enough or confidence enough to do it? What’s one thing you do where you just trust yourself to start and follow through (cooking a great dinner, laughing with your partner, writing a report, leading a team, going for a run, whatever). What do you think that means for you? What is there to learn about those moments that you could apply to moments where you don’t feel as confident?
  48. Let go of the need to have people validate how you express yourself and the expectation that you’ll receive recognition or status from the value you create. Let go of your need to prove yourself to anyone. Let go of your craving for approval. Let go of your intent to be seen as successful. This letting go is a skill that can be learned just as you practice any other, and the freedom that comes from letting go is totally delicious.
  49. Following the tired advice to “fake it ’til you make it” is what leads people into hubris and arrogance, acting in a way that they think is what confident people might do without requiring any real thought. Real, natural confidence is choosing to trust your behaviour because you’re already good enough, not pretending to be a certain way because you don’t feel good enough. Don’t fake confidence. You already have it.
  50. Casting fear as the enemy or as something to be avoided is a super-smart way to kill your confidence. Don’t turn fear into another problem. Make it just a thing that happens when there’s risk, change or opportunity in the air, and see it as an opportunity to step up, try something new, give it your best shot and maybe have a heap of fun. Fear isn’t the Big Bad. Avoiding fear most definitely is.

So, what do you think?

Shall we build some natural confidence now or what?

Get Kinky: 7 Ways To Confidently Embrace Your Kinks

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Get Kinky: 7 Ways To Confidently Embrace Your Kinks
Fifty Shades may be (IMHO) trash worthy of the North Atlantic garbage patch, but you can’t ignore its runaway success. Let’s face it, people are interested, fascinated even, by the kinky or fetishistic.

But if you don’t know one end of a ball gag from the other, how do you explore your kinks and how do you get to feel comfortable with your fetishes in a world that still judges kinky sex as “perverted”?

Here are some thoughts on how to confidently get your kink on.

1. The trust imperative

Imagine your partner’s told you something that’s secretly turned them on, only for you to laugh in their face and make them feel like something you’d scrape off the bottom of your shoe. Then imagine you’re on the receiving end of the laughter and disparaging. Doesn’t inspire you to open up, right?

No doubt about it, whether you’re into rubber, food-play or spanking, trust is imperative.

Kinky relationships often have more intimacy and trust woven through them than regular, “vanilla” ones, simply due to the level of vulnerability needed, an openness that can be easily masked or side-stepped otherwise. It takes guts to open up to your partner and gently ask if you can try something new, and it takes vulnerability to expose that part of you that you might have been suppressing or oppressing (or another of those ess words).

It’s likely that you’ll never ask—let alone do it—unless that trust and respect is there first.

2. No still means no

I’ve done some things that would make a drunken dock-worker or German Dominatrix blush, but I’d never even think about proceeding with any of it unless I knew I was safe and could stop things at any time.

When it comes to kinky sex, no still means no.

All the talk of BDSM being nothing more than domestic abuse is misguided, but entirely understandable. There are bad apples just like in any walk of life, but in healthy, kinky relationships consent is sought and explicit.

However you do it, whether it’s whispering “Okay, that’s enough”, using a safe-word or waving a brightly colored piece of foam, you have the right to say when enough is enough, and once that’s agreed it’s iron-clad.

You (and whoever else you’re with) need to have absolute confidence in the fact that you have a say in what happens, how far things go and what happens to your own body. Otherwise it’s just abuse.

3. You’re allowed to be different

Despite real progress around gender and identity—the recent news about same-sex marriage in the US and numerous examples of sexual identity being cheered rather than jeered (Michael Sam, Tim Cook, Ellen Page, Lady Gaga, Jim Parsons, etc.)—there’s still huge stigma and judgement around kink.

There is a pressure to conform, which is often at odds with the urge to explore something different, push at some edges and go to some new places, but you have the right to explore your sexuality just as you’d explore your career, your passions or your goals. These are all just different parts of who you are that already make you different from other people, just as they’re different from you (which is where that respect thing comes in again, right?).

There’s a level of self-awareness and self-acceptance with kink, simply because you don’t need permission or approval to be different. You can explore with a sense that you’re already okay rather than needing to make up for something you’re lacking.

4. Uphold your values

It’s in peoples nature to project, gossip and complain about things they might not understand or might disagree with, and because not everyone is into kink, fetish or BDSM there will naturally be misconceptions around it, just like people question climate change, religion or juice cleansing.

That works both ways, and your job isn’t to convince vanilla people that your way is better, it’s not to push kink in everyone’s face, it’s not to out other kinksters and nor is it to judge. Those things are done out of arrogance or insecurity, not confidence.

Fact is, confidently embracing your sexuality can only be done when there’s congruence with your values. Just as you’d confidently embrace any form of self-expression or identity, whenever there’s an incongruence or dissonance (lying to someone about what you like, judging someone for their preferences or respecting someone’s right to privacy) not only does it feel horrible, but you start chipping away at your self.

Personal values are an imperative, no matter what your sexual identity or interests.

5. You’re only “Bad” if…

You might look at someone who likes getting tied up and label them a “freak”, whereas if you like to get messy with food or role-play as doctor and patient and conduct all manner of inspections you’ll see it as just a bit of naughty fun.

Different strokes for different folks, right?

So what about those secret desires you have? Those unspoken, entirely inappropriate thoughts that get your strides a little steamier? These things are only “wrong” or “bad” for one of 2 reasons:

a: If you think they are. More damaging than casual judgements about others are the judgements you make about yourself based on your kinks and fetishes. You’re no more a bad person for wanting to spank your partner or play doctor and patient than a chocophile is for indulging in a gooey brownie. Trying something a little bit kinky or indulging a fetish doesn’t commit you to a “deviant lifestyle” any more than singing in the shower turns you into Michael Bublé.

Societal norms, dogma and your concerns about what your mother might think can easily make you feel like there’s something wrong with you, so watch for your own judgements and be honest with yourself above all else.

b: If you’re crossing the line. It should go without saying, but I’m going to spell it out anyway. If your “kinks” involve children or animals or non-consent, please, stop reading this right now and get some fucking help. Sexual identity is never an excuse for abuse.

6. If you’re single, connect

When you’re surrounded by devout, strictly missionary-only Catholics, so much as glancing at someone’s knee-pit out of wedlock is probably enough to get you ex-communicated.

Point is, it’s tough to embrace or explore your kinks unless you know someone who’s willing to explore with you. But opening up to another person about what turns you on? Scarier than a scary clown with a bag full of spiders.

You don’t have to feel alone in your desires, and it’s a safe bet that there are people near you, probably in your town or city, that share the same kinks and fetishes. Sites like FetLife are ballooning just on word of mouth, providing a safe way to explore a whole world of kink and find out what turns you on.

Connecting with others who get you rather than judge you can be incredibly liberating.

7. If you’re partnered, talk

Dressing up as a squirrel at breakfast and declaring that you’re a “furry” probably isn’t a great way to open up a discussion about your kinks, but fortunately for you, now that the whole Fifty Shades thing is out there, there’s a simple, go-to conversation starter.

So, what did you think about the part when x took the [object] and did [action] to y?

This comes down to opening up about what you want and what you like, and allowing your partner to do the same. Ask your partner about their fantasies, whether there’s anything they’d love to try or something that turns them on that might be fun. Gently test the water by saying how much you love it when they bite your ear / take charge / use the squirty cream / dress up as a duck and how it would be great if you could take that further. Dip your toe into the water, try things out, laugh together as you go and explore with a healthy sense of curiosity and playfulness.

And then, when you guys have established a level of trust, intimacy and vulnerability that comes from being open enough to explore kink and fetish, reading your partners body becomes another way of communicating and sensing what’s working and what isn’t.

Now that’s sexy as hell.

What to Do If You’re Scared of Change


If you are never scared, embarrassed or hurt, it means you never take chances
Every time I get a new freelancing contract in a new place, I get a little scared. What am I walking into? What if I hate it? What if it all goes tits up?

Every time I go on a date, I get a little scared. What if we don’t get on? What if they hate me? What if they find out I’m a dufus?

And every time life forces a change on me, like a health-blip or a financial shift, I get a little scared. What if I can’t do it? What happens if this is the one that breaks me? What if I’m not good enough?

Yeah, I’m one of those pesky human being things that’s busy making a pigs-ear of the planet. And as a human being I get scared. It’s part of the deal, because change is simply what happens when you live here.

You can no more avoid change than you can avoid death (perhaps the ultimate change), so that really just leaves you with one question to think about.

How can I be okay with the fear that comes with change?

Here, my friends, is what I’ve learned.

Look at how helpful that voice is being

That voice in your head that lets you know how scared you are is often about as much use a tit on a fish.

It tells you exactly why you need to be scared (because this shit could get real and you might not be up to it) and what you need to do (run like the wind or close your eyes and pretend it’s not there), but really, how useful is that to you?

If you can use that constructively or in a way that enables something else, perfect. But if you’re anything like me (and if you are, I hope you didn’t get my funny twiglet legs) that voice is often at odds with what I really want.

So ‘fess up when you hear that voice and see if it’s really useful for you to heed it.

Accept it as the way things are

Do you ever wonder when you’ll be able to just sit back a little and enjoy everything you’ve worked for?

Ever wonder why, just when you think it’s all coming together, something changes and pulls the rug out?

Or have you ever thought, Okay, things are pretty good. Now I just have to keep it all going.

This is probably where my clients get stuck most of the time. Thinking they can, you know, control everything that happens in their life and avoid change that’s “unwanted”.

Change is unavoidable. But it doesn’t stop you from painting a picture of how things should be and then getting upset when change comes along with a tub of potatoes and a load of paint and proceeds to put big red and blue splodges all over your beautiful picture. Silly change. Bad change. Go to your room.

But what if change wasn’t wanted or unwanted? What if it was simple something that happened and allowed you to make a choice?

Hell, doesn’t that sound better?

Think about what kind of person you wanna be

There’s a moment in every great story where the protagonist has to make a choice about what kind of person they want to be.

Cyrano de Bergerac. Alice. Frodo Baggins. Lizzie Bennett. Scarlett O’Hara. Peter Parker. Katniss Everdeen.

They all could have turned on their heals, stayed home and binged on Netflix if they wanted to. But they didn’t. They gave a shit.

They paused, just for a moment. They saw where they were and what was at stake. And then they made a choice that honours their best instead of their worst.

Of course, you’re not in a magical land, blessed with super-powers or striving to save your people like our favourite protagonists, so here’s the take-away for you.

Find the quiet spot underneath fear, and in that place, decide to give a shit.

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